To Be Perfectly Happy

Alright, sooo….

I’ve been going through a shit time. And it’s not even half over. But I think things are going to start to get better. Ever since I had started this blog I began having an even worse image of myself. I already hated myself, but it was just getting worse and worse with each picture and each post. Because though I was thinspoing, tumbling, I was just expecting it to happen on itself. I would try eating healthy or go to the gym, but then I would fall off the wagon and stay off for weeks at a time. I wasn’t losing weight, just gaining more with each pound lost. So recently, my mom got me in to see a doctor, get a check up, all that good stuff. I’ve got an appointment on the 20th to see like, a therapist or something. And this then yesterday I find out there’s something “abnormal” about my thyroids. I don’t know what’s wrong, they took like three more tubes of blood today to run more tests. I ain’t even worried, because death isn’t the worst thing that could happen to me. Life is shitty. But I’m trying to turn it around. I’ve stopped going to the gym because I’ve felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything because I didn’t have anything to do. I would sleep from like 2 am till 3 pm or sometimes even 5 pm, then my boyfriend would get off work and we would hang out. Herp our derps, video games, food, smoke, etc. And then the cycle would start over again. So I felt like I’d go to the gym, and then just cancel it out with my shitty habits. I need a job, or to go to school or something to keep me doing something. But I’m not starting school till the fall. So I had been trying to find a job. And FINALLY, this Saturday at 8pm I have a job interview, and it’s already looking like I’ve got the job. As a server even, so I’ll be walking a lot. It’s going to be a night shift I believe, which works out great because my boyfriend is starting a new job and his shift is 4pm-1am. So now we’ll be able to have the whole day instead of night. And I prefer to go to the gym in the morning because it sets my mood for the day, and with his previous schedule we never had time in the morning. So once I get this job I’ll be more willing to want to go to the gym. Plus work keeps me busy, and still keeps me exercising instead of laying on the couch doing nothing, or sleeping. And I don’t usually overeat when I’ve got things I’m doing. Throughout high school I wouldn’t even eat till after 3 when I got home from school, and then again later that night at dinner. But I know that’s not healthy. I plan to eat a breakfast before the gym, and to eat lunch before work. But I probably won’t eat anything at work. I don’t like to eat in front of people, which also helped me stay from getting obese in high school. I think things are finally going to be okay for me. I’ll have a job, school in the fall, start going back to the gym, eat better because I have a reason to, plus seeing my doctor and therapist/psychiatrist will help me a lot physically and mentally too. So here I am, back on this tumblr with a different view. I’m going to love my body, regardless of if I get a flat tummy or not. As long as I can feel better about myself that’s all that matters to me. I would love to look like these girls in the pictures, but I would love to look like me again too. I’ll find my own self.